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The Student Art & Literary Site of Community College of Allegheny County

The Phoenix

The Student Art & Literary Site of Community College of Allegheny County

The Phoenix

The Student Art & Literary Site of Community College of Allegheny County

The Phoenix

I Do?

Leanna Ziccardi

Relationships can be described as a wonderland filled dream, or a dream that one wakes up from gasping suddenly then enters a state of sleep paralysis. People begin their relationship young and wrinkle free, like Obama before office. As the years go by Obama transforms into a boomer. Is part of the “okay boomer” transformation because of Michelle’s wife material? The same principle applies to young fellas in a short term relationship. The short term relationship is known as “cuffing season”. Is cuffing season short because the couple gets the ick for each other? Is the ick feeling the same as when one touches wet, smeared, chewed up food in the sink? Is the relationship short because “the better half” has seasonal mood swings? Cuffing season is described as a relationship for the colder months. I guess all questions are a conspiracy theory until one really experiences it. However, there is one by pass to this conspiracy theory: Relationship dupe!

Youtuber Shane Dawson makes a series on conspiracy theories. The theories question events. He gives his and other peoples intake on the event. When Tanacon ended in one day he lined up information. The information lines up into many parts of the series. He also has questioned if Chuck E. Cheese pizza is reused. The pieces do not line up when the crust is pushed together. Some conspiracy theories lead to others. An example is, the cult Heaven’s Gate which was founded in 1974. Some believe the Heaven’s Gate logo intertwines the Green Bay Packers and the Pink Floyd logo. The intertwine also leads to when an engaged couple taste tests wedding cake flavors. Does the employee of the bakery bribe the couple to include certain flavors in the cake? Is the bribe all because it will be the start to many arguments? Is an employee an enemy of the couple because of a stolen high school sweetheart? + I am going to argue there are three ways to examine “relationships.” *I will discuss excerpts from Leonard Michael’s essay “I’m Having Trouble with My Relationship”, Lori Gottleib’s excerpt from Marry Him and Laura Kipnis’s excerpt from Against Love.

In the essay “I’m Having Trouble with My Relationship” the writer Leonard Michaels talks about the twists and turns in a relationship. The twists and turns in many relationships compare to my anything but straight scoliosis spine. In a relationship a couple may quickly get to the point where the term “virgin alert” is irrelevant. Well… however, the term somehow does not apply to the Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary opened her “body of Christ” to Joseph. Michaels writes, “They use ‘relationship’ to mean any of them when talking about the romantic-sexual connections between a man and a women or man, or women and women.” I always question myself if Adam and Eve ever thought before eating the fruit that the future will be different? I am now able to say that Adam and Steve and Alice and Eve have tasted the rainbow. Welp I guess the saying, “ohh.. ah I’m waiting till marriage” was irrelevant even back then. The you tuber Jordan Cunningham has a two part series called “Calling Homophobic Churches”. The churches that he calls want to “pray the gay away”. They are even not opposed to doing an exorcism.

Michaels writes, “Mom is not by any means an inevitable source of love. She might well be a twisted bitch, and many vile creeps are Dad.” After many years of marriage it seems that love is a bribe for money! Love puts a couple into a trance. Does the woman get charmed the same way a snake does?

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However, the man takes the role as the charmer. The woman charms herself by playing the man’s piccolo or flute. The couple is then attracted to each other. Does this mean it is alright for the woman to go on a shopping spree with her man’s credit card?

Now the mood change between the couple begins! The woman racks up the credit score even though taxes are due soon! Michaels writes, “By displacing the old words for romantic love, ‘relationship’ indicates a new caution where human experience is extremely intense and ephemeral…” Arguments in a relationship can last hours or days. The couple is flipping their eyes back and forth at each other, waiting for one to either extend the war or say sorry. The audacity is like a Wii sports tennis match. Who is going to take the toaster bath first? While swallowing tears and pouring their heart into a verse. The “better half” whimpers, “I’m sooo very sorry my love, I love you Buggie.” Or the war thickens and ends up like (while using the acronym) “Uh.. huh see you next Tuesday, Jack!” The argument can get to the point where one decides to leave the house. One may locate to their mother’s basement. The mother may even give one a “demons of the underworld” sacrifice to their son or daughter.

In “Marry Him” written by Lori Gottleib talks about two questions most women have. “Should I get married or should I be a single independent woman?” Some people are worried about getting hitched before they turn middle aged. My grandma brags about how she got married at nineteen. She shows me pictures of her young and married. Many picture frames sit on her side table next to the inside of the front door. There is one special picture on the top shelf of the table. The picture is taken with her three other sisters. However, she tells me she is purposely showing off her new engagement ring while holding the family dog. She always tells me about the glorious memories she had with my pap. She has a looney, loveable, and crazy cat lady brain. Since I was little she always told me to make sure I marry a rich man. “My Lee-Lee is going to marry a rich Italian doctor like the Ragu family!”

Marrying a rich man can make a woman feel like she is a rich “pta” mom. However, women get bored of things quite quickly. They always are aware of when new necessities come out. They have an e-mail list of when a new purse or makeup comes out. They over hype new limited edition items like Gucci or Glossier makeup. Following that, once they have bought the entire collection of things with their boy toy’s money it is old news. The rich girls at my dance studio love designer items. I have witnessed one throw a Louis Vuitton backpack on the floor. Gottleib states, “The more modern-day Friends opens as Rachel Green leaves her nice-guy orthodontist fiancé at the alter simply because she isn’t feeling it”(Gottleib, 8). The iCarly episode iDo is a comparison. An engaged couple is a fan of the web show. They decided they want to have Carly, Sam, and Freddie as their bridesmaids and best man. The couple is saying their vows and the wife makes an unexpected decision. She is in love with someone else! She is in love with Carly’s brother Spencer.

Some women put on a mask and believe that they are fine without a partner. However, they go to parties or hangout with their newly engaged friends and third wheel. Gottleib states, “Every woman I know- no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure- feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried” (Gottleib, 8). Women act like they are desperate for a partner. They even go out of their way to have a special perfume Amazon primed to their door. The perfume is infused with pheromones. If they are even lucky enough, they can charm the mail man. The mail man can open his mail box for her and she can put her package in. They use the perfume to make their target feel kinky, like Like how Tom from Tom and Jerry sings “Is

You or Is You Ain’t My Baby” while playing the bass. Following that, they then turn around and hold their tatas up high like a Hooter’s girl and are independent.

“Against Love” written by Laura Kipnis talks about the inner demon side of love. After a couple gets married, they are in the honeymoon phase. The honeymoon phase is peachy keen like the gummy peach rings candy. A newly married couple can start their honeymoon phase with a special vacation. They can go on a tropical vacation like, how my eight year old self would take my Webkinz pet to Vacation Island. The couple may not only drink split daiquiris while wearing a coconut bra, but will make the bed warm in a fancy hotel room. However, will this soon change into a Minecraft rage quit? Kipnis states, “Ever optimistic, heady with love’s utopianism, most of us eventually pledge ourselves to unions that will, if successful, far outlast the desire that impelled them into being” (Kipnis, 2).

After, the couple moves into a house they are together 24/7. Couples are together 24/7 or until they ring each other’s neck. However, I question myself: Does the young and newly married couple ever think that they will still be attracted to each other later on in life? Kipnis states, “This injunction to achieve maturity synonymous in contemporary usage with thirty-year mortgages, spreading waistlines, and monogamy…” (Kipnis, 2) Not everyone is going to be able to do their “little turn on the catwalk” like Right Said Fred when they begin to grow hairs in strange, spine tingling places. So will the average couple still love each other even though they may not look like young Leonardo DiCaprio?

Never trust a duck just like how some may say to never trust marriage. The ducks are free at South Park so, is it free to pick up random girls even though one is married? Kipnis states, “Love is, as we know, a mysterious and controlling force. It has vast power over our thoughts and life decisions” (Kipnis, 1). A comparison is a stellar juicy juice story I have heard. A dentist is apparently madly in love with her husband. However, the husband has done some controversial things outside of the wife’s view. The wife one day found a receipt to a store she does not remember shopping at. She then one day was putting clothes away. She ends up finding a never worn blouse that was not her size and still had the tag on. So, is it apparently a get out of jail free card to cheat on a marriage?

Sometimes marriage goes south. After the wedding it is a tradition to save the top layer of the wedding cake. A couple can freeze the cake and have it on their one year. Well… sometimes the freezer burned cake lasts longer than the actual marriage. The cake is in the bottom of the freezer singing, “I will remember you,? Will you remember me?” Kipnis states, “There hasn’t always been quite such optimism about love’s longevity” (Kipnis, 3). One may end up like a celebrity; having multiple marriages. However, the wife may either make one of two decisions. The wife may either pawn her rings, or drop off the rings at the back of a Good Will. One can celebrate their split up happily on Valentine’s Day. Hooter’s has a special one day a year occasion. One can come in and shred their pictures of their ex and receive free wings in return.

In conclusion relationships can be argued in three different ways. Leonard Michaels’, Lori Gottleib’s, and Laura Kipnis’s excerpts examine relationships. Relationships are a commitment. However, for anyone the three argument reasoning’s behind relationships may compare.

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About the Contributor
Leanna Ziccardi
Leanna Ziccardi, Phoenix Contributor
Leanna is a local Pittsburgh "yinzer" that has newly discovered an interest for writing. She graduated from Thomas Jefferson High School in 2022 and is a current CCAC students. Her current submission, “I Do” is about the three argumentative points of relationships. Her passion is dance; particularly Modern. Her personal interests are baking, jewelry making, and playing Minecraft. Her future goals are to transfer to Point Park University to major in Modern dance. She hopes readers find humor in her publication.

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