My boyfriend is a genius. Laying in my bed, he was composing a new piece. He was speaking frantically, as he typically does. He should change the chord of the piano here, add in the strings and trumpets there, etcetera. I allow him the space to throw ideas at me, even though we both know I don’t understand half the terms he’s using. At the end of his spiel, he said something that has stuck with me. “I really like this music-making thing. It’s cool. It makes me happy”. It warmed my heart. Music is his true love, always has been and always will be. The joy it brings him is obvious on his face, and I want to see it forever. His opinion of his craft made me think of my own. Whilst I have no affinity for the technicalities of music, I have always written. And in a twisted sort of amusement, I replied “I really dislike this writing thing. It’s awful. It makes me unhappy.”

I found myself wishing to belong to science and mathematics as a child, instead of the humanities. Societally, there is something more impressive about understanding the physical world and solving complex equations. At least, in comparison to being holed up in your room writing alone, most stories you will never deem worthy of showing other people. Math is exact and objective. You either solve the equation or you don’t. There is something quantifiable in it that makes it appealing. Art is vague and subjective. Some people will never like your work, no matter how proud you are of it yourself. When writing you are trying to communicate the unspeakable, and when reading you are trying to absorb it.

Pondering the difference between readers and mathematicians, I concluded. People who love math are always great at it. People love math because it makes them feel smart. The same cannot be said for readers. To read is to be constantly faced with your ever-growing ignorance. To write is to be constantly faced with your shortcomings. Both are difficult hobbies to pursue. That being said, I believe reading is the best way to expand your worldview and increase your empathy. Writing is the clearest form of self-expression. They are miracles, brutal and violent by nature, the process ugly and unforgiving. I don’t need to write in the way the sun needs to shine. The way the birds need to sing. I must write in the way babies must cry when they are born. The way toddlers must fall when learning to walk. To be a writer is to be miserable. Thinking so many thoughts you must get them out on paper because it is either that or death. In a sense, reading and writing are opposites. Reading can make you feel less alone, and connected to the author, characters, struggles, and ideas. Writing is what you do when you feel you have no one to speak to. When writing, you are the only person in the world. It’s a cruel and lonely thing. And it consumes me completely.