One minute we were just a group of college freshmen bonding over silly memes during late-night Burger King runs. The next, I am watching a young girl’s world fall apart. Becoming a first-time college freshman amidst a global pandemic posed many challenges. Amidst virtual piano classes, navigating Zoom, and struggling to keep up with 11 different classes, the thing on my mind the most was making friends. Friendships had been incredibly difficult for me. I was a misfit throughout middle school and high school and dealt with a lot of bullying- to my face and behind my back. The biggest challenge recently is that my best friend, Chad, passed away a few short months ago. Though I know many people, not many people know me the way Chad did. Going to college meant a fresh slate for me to connect with new people and make more friends. I thought I had finally met my people. There was a group of 7 of us who met on Facebook over the summer and often hung out after classes.
The first time I met Sarah, she seemed like a gentle soul. She was friendly, very intelligent, and spoke with a confidence that anyone would be envious of. Her dirty blond hair fell below her shoulders and her glasses framed her beautiful face. Out of everyone in the group, I talked to her the least of all. Regardless, we were all constantly active in a Snapchat group chat at all hours of the day. Then one day, I got added to a new group chat. One without Sarah.
Sarah was in the midst of a tumultuous relationship with a boy she had met on Tinder. He was a computer science major at CMU named Andrew. Though I never met Andrew, many of the others in the friend group had and didn’t approve of him. Sarah would often come to us to talk about the problems she was having with this on-again-off-again relationship. I felt for her, but the rest of the group lacked the empathy that Sarah was seeking.
“She doesn’t understand how much stress she is causing us.” I read the words that pop up in this new Sarah-less group chat. “We need to do something.” I started typing up a message but erased most of the anger-driven words that I wanted to send. “Try to see this from her perspective. She isn’t trying to stress you out, she just needs friends who will listen.” My words fell on deaf ears. I could only hope that they wouldn’t do anything stupid.
The next night I met up with Randy and Amanda in a student lounge in the Union building. They are two of my closest friends. “We have to show you something hilarious!” Amanda exclaims. Randy pulls out his phone to show me a video. I am expecting to see a meme, or maybe something crazy that happened during a party on campus. I am disheartened to see a video of 4 of the members from this group on the phone with Andrew. “Do you even love her?” Randy asks him. There is a long silence from the other end of the phone. My heart sank into my chest at the fact that these people went so far as to do something like this behind Sarah’s back. When I look up from the phone, Amanda tells me that he agreed to break up with Sarah. Feeling burdened with the information I had just learned, I made any excuse I could to get home, away from these people, and sort out my thoughts.
Andrew had broken up with Sarah, and it wasn’t until a day or two later that she found out that the reason was because of people she considered to be her best friends. Now I felt as if I had an important decision to make. I had to choose a side. Do I stick with this group- these people that I hang out with nearly every day? Or do I take the side of a girl that I barely know? It wasn’t a difficult decision.
“Can I please have two grande strawberry refreshers?” I asked the campus barista. Maybe not the biggest gesture that I could do, but Sarah deserved to be taken care of in this moment. An accumulation of adrenaline, anger, and anxiety courses through my veins as I walk toward the dorm building. A red and puffy-faced Sarah comes to the door to let me in, and I hand her the drink I got for her. The moment we get back to her room, she resumes crying inconsolably. I can tell that she is grateful not only for the drink, but also to have a companion to talk to after losing her boyfriend, and her 4 other closest friends. Though I never knew Sarah deeply, at this moment I learned a lot about her. Through her sobbing, I learned how passionate she is. Not just about this relationship, but about everything she does. We spent a lot of time talking about the betrayal she had just gone through, but I also got to learn a lot of the inner workings of her mind. I learned that she was not someone who hid behind a facade. She and I had never hung out alone before, and yet she was letting all of her emotions out for me. I could tell that she truly values authenticity, and that made this betrayal of our so-called friends sting even worse. Even through teary eyes, I saw a strength and resilience in her that was unlike anything I had seen in anyone before. Sarah is a strong girl who has fought many battles in her life, and this was only a bump in her road to greatness. Her determination to overcome, though masked by pain in this moment, shone through her tears.
About an hour into our conversation, two more guests arrive at her dorm room- Emma and Samantha. They were the other two friends who partook in the heinous act of stabbing their alleged best friend in the back. Thinking that they might have shown up to apologize, Sarah allows them to speak their case. “Sarah, we were just trying to help you.” My stomach flips once again. I try to sit there silently and listen to these nasty teenage girls justify their hurtful actions. Eventually, after many unsuccessful attempts to get Sarah to agree that they didn’t do anything wrong, they left. I like to think they left feeling defeated, guilty, and knowing they will never again be blessed with Sarah’s friendship, or mine.
Freshly 19, I had never experienced a follow-the-pack-or-stand-up-for-what’s-right dilemma before, but following the conversations I had with Sarah, I had a new understanding. I realized that our conversation was not just about comforting her, but also about understanding her on a level that none of the rest of the group had attempted to do. The way I saw Sarah changed from that day forward. I no longer saw her as the gentle soul I once had imagined her to be, but a resilient warrior who will face any situation head-first knowing that she has the power to overcome her obstacles. I learned within myself that my desire to fit in and have a group of friends was not what I needed. Rather, I needed to have one best friend who always had my back, as I always have hers. I learned that the key to friendship really just is showing up. Having a large friend group sounds good in theory, but the connection I made with Sarah surpassed any level of closeness I had felt with everyone in the group combined. I lost 6 friends but gained the most amazing woman to be my closest.
