A dream bouncing on my head. A dream playing hop scotch on my brain and then taking a slide down to my thoughts. Exploring my brain and taking it apart like the board game Operation. My dreams searching for wishbones; wishes implied. Finding out who I am and who I want to be. My dreams jumping over brain farts like kids playing the floor is lava. My dreams hop on one thought at a time, but at last face the consequences of not thinking with your head. My dreams slowly retreating back into my head to only be destroyed with words that slices like swords.
“I’m scared! Okay? I’m scared of growing up.” Words being stuck in my brain and nowhere to go. They are just words, they can’t hurt you. What doesn’t have a physical body can still hurt you. Smoking like a poisonous gas that lights up the whole room before everyone in the room collapses. A balloon getting filled with a hydrogen tank and no one knows when the balloon is about to pop. Fear and being frightened flows through my body without fail. Waking up each day and looking at myself in the mirror and ask myself, Am I succeeding in life? A question that turns into a life ticking time bomb that will reach zero at any moment to reveal if you are ready for life or maybe life isn’t ready for you.
Achieving something new every day and working hard every single day. My college experience has been an incredible journey. Admiring my great grades that are supposed to represent me and how smart I am. Demonstrating how well of a student I have become in college. Letters being used as currency like coins for a vending machine. Great grades can lead you down a path that ends with a job and wealth. Being involved in so many activities and clubs on campus where I have found other people with the same interests. Having an outlet where I can be myself without the pressure of working for a certain grade. With all success in my life, still comes the haunting hallucinations of failure.
“I’m scared! Okay? I’m scared of growing up.” With everything going well in my life, it also contains a lot of stress. My life becoming a dealer in rounds of Texas hold’em poker where cards get drawn into my life. You never know what cards you will receive. You will get a good hand, sometimes you will fold, and sometimes you need to bluff to get the pot. My life feeling like a roulette table where it keeps spinning and spinning until I lose it all. My life has been changed greatly with college and has been improving over the years. Change has been appearing in my grades, my mental health, and my social life. This change filled with many new friends and opportunities I can travel down. My life changing like a hand wiping down on a foggy mirror. I am still very scared for my future and I think to myself if I am doing the right decision. I have developed a plan for my education and figured out so many goals in my life that I want to complete but these goals aren’t something I want to do, they are something I need to do to have a successful future and life. My dreams once I complete everything in my life are becoming a father figure and role model and also spread my love and positivity to everyone in the world. Helping younger people find their career and confidence to continue in this world alone. I will be there waiting to guide them if they need it, like their father coming home to see them again. My dreams help me push through every time and help me complete what I need to finish. My dreams demonstrate how powerful I am and how much I do to acquire my dreams and passion for everything in my life. On the other hand, is it truly my dreams and goals pushing me to the top of my game or is it the piling amount worth of fear assisting me on this long journey like becoming my hiking stick that I push into the ground before every step I take?
Being faced with this reality terrifies me and haunts my mind like being stranded in a graveyard with no light, only a cold sensation on your skin as you continue to dig your own grave. The unawakening fear continues to have a death grip on me daily and travels with me through everything in my life. Not knowing where I get all of this determination from also comes with fear and being frightened like a puppet on a string being controlled from another being.
An unknowing answer stuck in my head to ponder about and makes me realize that I am conquering my fears. My fears are being slain when they enter my body because with all of the negative thoughts and feelings, I am the one is taking care of myself and fighting for my life. The feeling of fear will always be a part of everyone’s life, but I decide to grab it by the neck and capture it every time it wants to try and defeat me.
